Chapter Five: Keeping It Real Fresh And Satisfying
By now you understand that good sex is primarily about attitude and day to day behavior. Technique is really just the icing on the cake. To have a healthy, satisfying sex life you need to develop the kind of habits that lead to the desired result. This begins with the decision to love. You need to put your spouse first and live in such a way that you do what most benefits the other person - the person of your spouse.In addition, you need to be wholly committed to your relationship. You cannot be in a relationship expecting to have great sex if you allow yourself to keep an exit strategy tucked away somewhere in your mind. Marriage is for better or for worse until death do you part. If you don't have that kind of commitment you will never experience the best sex possible.
Once you have settled in your mind that you are in a committed relationship take stock of where you are at in that relationship. Identify the problems that need to be fixed and get to work on them. Once again, the problems you identify need to be dealt with before you can expect the great sex you've always wanted. I would suggest that once you have made significant headway and you and your partner feel the two of you have achieved some kind of milestone, you should consider renewing your vows and going on a second honeymoon. This is especially true if you are working through and overcoming some significant relationship problems. But even if your marriage is generally sound you may want to do this on your wedding anniversary or the anniversary of some other significant event in your relationship.
It is also important for you to practice the self sacrificial behaviors we've talked about earlier in the book. Good habits need to be fed if you want to maintain them. As we have talked about, most of our behavior is habitual. Your job is to put away the old stuff and start doing the new. The thing you have got to remember is that you can't beat something with nothing. It won't do any good to try and break a bad habit unless you are replacing it with a new good habit at the same time. You have got to fill the void left behind by the old habit. For instance, stop speaking harshly to your spouse and start speaking words of encouragement and love.
Another thing you want to do in order to keep the sexual fire alive is to make sure you avoid any and all affairs. Obviously you should never consider a sexual affair but I'm telling you to stay away from the workplace "emotional" affairs and that kind of thing as well. In fact, I will go so far to say that you should not develop a one-on-one friendship with a member of the opposite sex. The truth is, men and women cannot be "just friends" for long unless one of the two (at least) finds the other mildly disgusting in some way or another.1 So if you are cultivating a friendship with a member of the opposite sex you are playing with fire. Besides, why do you need that kind of relationship? Your spouse should be your girlfriend.
At the same time, there's nothing wrong with couples who develop friendships. In those kinds of situations the guys relate primarily to each other while the girls do the same. Even then you need to be on guard a little. The bottom line is, stay away from the one-on-one friendship with a member of the opposite sex.
In this day and age you've got to be careful about social media as well. I have more than one Facebook account and it has been my practice, dependent upon the account, to friend men only. When I don't do that (and the account is social rather than business) I find that it doesn't take long before I start getting postings and messages from women that I prefer not to have. The safeguard I rely upon is my wife. She has access to all my social media accounts and visits them on a regular basis.
Now, I'm not saying you should have only members of your sex as friends on your Facebook or twitter accounts. I am saying you need to be careful. We all hear the stories of affairs that began with social media contacts but we never stop to think it could happen to us. Don't let it happen to you.
Another habit you men need to break is the roving eye. I know this is difficult; I'm a man. And for most men the act of noticing an attractive woman doesn't really mean anything. On the other hand, it means a whole heck of a lot to your wife. She reads your actions as you playing the field mentally. She views your behavior as a threat to her special place in your heart. The point I'm making is pretty simple. If you're in a committed relationship you need to act like it right down to the brass tacks.
Along the same line it should be pretty obvious that you don't want to maintain relationship or even casual contact with an old flame. Here again social media can be a minefield. It's even worse when the old girlfriend lives in your hometown. Its especially bad when the old paramour thinks it's "fun" or maybe funny to throw out innuendos whenever your paths cross. If that kind of thing is going on I would suggest you need to flat out tell them to shut up and back off.
Another part of cultivating a good sexual relationship is creativity. I'm not talking about figuring out new erotic and exciting positions. I'm talking about putting as much energy into your relationship as you put into your job or favorite hobby. Take the time to read about the qualities of a good relationship. Go to marriage seminars and spend time together listening to CDs or watching DVDs on how to develop and maintain a solid marriage relationship.
One thing in this category I can suggest is to be sure that you continue to pursue your mate. In other words don't let the fire die. Yes, I've said your relationship should not be built on emotion but that doesn't mean you should be emotionless. Think about how it was with your wife when you first began to date. You were willing to do almost anything to capture and keep her attention. I look back on my dating relationship with my wife with a certain measure of embarrassment. I've always been something of a clown and in my youth that exuberance (shall we say) led me to do some pretty stupid things in an attempt to impress her. One time we went to a movie with another couple and for some reason I thought it would be awe inspiring to my future wife if I didn't use the aisle of the theater like most normal people. So, rather than walk down the aisle to the place we decided to sit, I somersaulted my way to our seating location. Later, when I needed to use the restroom or something (I don't remember what) I jumped from chair to chair and made my way to the back of the theater without letting my feet touch the floor. As I recall the film was sparsely attended and that left a lot of room for "floor free" navigation. I'm surprised I wasn't thrown out. Looking back, I'm also surprised my future wife didn't dump me immediately. Anyway, I'm not saying you should act like an idiot just because I did. What I'm telling you is that you should try to revive some of the excitement and energy you felt when you and your wife were dating.
There is another thing I would suggest as a means of learning more about a good relationship. Take a look around at your friends and see who has the kind of marriage you would like to have. I know, plenty of folks look good on the outside but if you look a little closer you discover hey have the same problems (and more) that you have. Therefore, it might take a bit of detective work to find a couple you and your spouse can look to as mentors. Please, don't think I'm suggesting you should find someone to coach you in kinky sex. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a couple who knows how to love one another through self-sacrificial behavior. This might be a couple in your circle of friends or it may be someone you are acquainted with through your church or some other social organization. Even though I'm The 21st Century Sage - I couldn't resisted sticking that in there - I still think about "old folks" as people worthy of emulation. So, perhaps you'll find a couple who has thirty or forty or more years of experience living with each other and loving each other. Not only can someone like that give you advice on how to navigate the problems of marriage they might also serve as a point of accountability. In other words, you and your spouse may get together with them on a regular basis and share what's going on in your life.
Finally, you keep it fresh and sexy by living a sincere, loving life that other people can learn from. If you're cultivating the attitudes and behaviors discussed in this book you and your wife will be a couple your peers and others can look to as an example. You may not even know this is happening; that's okay. You'll still reap the benefits of living a life worthy of imitation. One of those benefits will be a most excellent bedroom experience on a regular basis.
A Man's Guide To Great Sex Starting Today
IntroductionChapter One: The Foundation Of Good Sex
Chapter Two: Physical Health Is Sexual Health
Chapter Three: Mental Health Is Sexual Health
Chapter Four: The Act Of Making Love
Chapter Five: Keeping It Real Fresh And Satisfying
Closing Thoughts
Entire Site Copyright © 2022 By David Eric Williams