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Chapter Four: The Act Of Making Love

As you can already see, this isn't a porn book disguised as a manual on sexual health. Thus far, I have tried to provide you with general principles that will enable you to develop the most wonderful sex life you have ever had. Nevertheless, some of you might think this section is to graphic. If so, I apologize in advance - sort of. If it is too much for you (and I doubt it will be) that's okay. Just skip this chapter. The fact is, the mechanics of the sexual experience are mastered easily enough. It's is the attitudes and behavior that preceded making love that are really the most important.

Having said that I'm going to start this section with advice on your attitudes and behavior in the hours or even days leading up to your lovemaking. With that in mind I'm going to suggest that one approach to good lovemaking is to make a date with your spouse. Rather than a date to go out to dinner and a movie it will be a date to make love. You might spend time preceding your lovemaking date going out to dinner or whatever but the idea will be to actually make a date for sex.

This does not mean you shouldn't enjoy spontaneous sex or making love without an elaborate program beforehand. What I am saying is that expounding on this sort of preparation for sex will allow me to describe a variety of behaviors and attitudes you can put into practice regardless of how you end up in bed with your spouse.

Plenty of husbands come home from work expecting their wife to drop everything and have sex because they've been thinking about sex during the drive home. They are ready to go but their poor wife hasn't had a single thought about sex all day. I would advise that when you guys come home feeling aroused you be thoughtful in the way you approach the suggestion of making love. Now, whether or not you have sex that night, you should consider implementing this plan of scheduling a love making date.

So let's say it's Tuesday and you really want to hop into bed with your lover. Whether or not that happens you should go ahead and ask your wife out for Friday night. Explain to her that you would like to take her out to dinner (or whatever you decide) and then bring her home for sex. Or better yet, rent a hotel room and take her there, if that's something you consider more romantic. In any case, you want to make this special.

In the days leading up to your date you may find that the two of you end up making love more frequently than usual. This would be typical because you have both begun to think about lovemaking and the time you spend together in advance of your special day is something like a warm-up. It's a good idea in the days preceding your sex date to bring flowers, make phone calls and so on.

Once the big day arrives make sure the special atmosphere continues; dress up for the date whether you are going out or simply going to sit down at your kitchen table. The idea is to have some fun together as you anticipate making love.

After you've enjoyed the dinner out or other planed activity, you will want the fun atmosphere to continue when you arrive in the bedroom. Personal preference will come in to play here; you might undress each other or perhaps the two of you will prefer to undress as the other partner watches. In any case, keep this fun and don't have expectations that could put a damper on the ambiance. In other words, if your spouse is fumbling with the buttons and zippers on your clothing or hers' don't get uptight about. Don't push the pace; keep it playful and enjoyable.

Then, when you are standing there together "naked and unashamed," take time to enjoy your partner's body. Here again it is a matter of personal preference. My advice at this point isn't really concerning technique as much as it is attitude. You want to make your lover feel special. You want to tell her how beautiful she is and how luscious each part of her body is. Husbands likewise enjoy hearing compliments about how sexy and manly they are. At this point you are expressing your love physically but it should be accompanied by words of affection and expressions of how your spouse satisfies you.

By now you are probably on the bed and holding each other close. This is the time for hugging and kissing and touching and caressing. This is typical foreplay and will include special attention to your partners erogenous zones. That will be a little different for everyone and you will know what it is your partner wants if you have been together for any length of time. This again is why a long term marriage relationship is so much more satisfying than a series of one night stands. When you have made love to someone hundreds or thousands of times you know what they like and they know what turns you on as well. So this is the point in your lovemaking where you take the time to really satisfy your wife up to the threshold of orgasm.

At this place in the process of making love, a man might begin to stimulate his wife by a rubbing and caressing her clitoris, fondling and kissing her breasts and whatever other attention she especially likes. The goal here is to make sure your woman is ready for the sex act.

I don't know who answers the questions that the statisticians rely on to tell us the sort of thing but the data says 75 percent of all women never reach orgasm from intercourse alone ...and 10 to 15 percent never climax under any circumstances.1 In other words, most women rely upon manual stimulation of the clitoris in order to achieve orgasm. Unfortunately, a lot of men save that for the "after play" rather than the foreplay. My suggestion is that before a man penetrates his lover he should make sure she has achieved orgasm. Again, this process can involve a number of erotic behaviors. Oral sex, vaginal penetration along with manual stimulation of the clitoris, and so on.

Once a husband has brought his wife to orgasm he should still take his time. I hope you are not the kind to think "Great, I'm glad we've accomplished that. Now I can get mine." Instead, you need to pay attention to your wife's cues. As long as she is deriving pleasure from the actions that led to her orgasm you should continue doing whatever it is you were doing. She will let you know when she wants you to stop doing that and start with the next phase. Once she tells you verbally what she wants or gives you some other cue that you recognize, you still don't want to jump right in. Take your time, be gentle and considerate, and make sure both of you are enjoying the experience.

With years of history between the two of you, you will probably have a favorite position or a favorite method of making love. I suggest you try something new from time to time. You will probably come back to those favorite positions but if you have scheduled a night of lovemaking this is a good time to try out some new things. The idea is not necessarily to "spice up your sex life" as much as it is just wanting to enjoy each other and have fun. And this is the point where muscular strength comes into play. If you have the ability, it's a lot of fun to change positions while remaining copulated. Depending on the position you chose to assume, this may require an ability to gently, comfortably and safety lift your spouse and move the two of you to the next position.

I am not an advocate of anal sex or the use of most sex toys. In my opinion, it doesn't make sense to match life with death. What I mean is, the anus is not an organ of life but of death and of elimination. To penetrate and to ejaculate in that atmosphere is contrary to nature and the elemental principles of the male-female relationship. The fact is, even though many men enjoy anal sex, it seems most women don't (the "research" I've seen isn't conclusive one way or the other). Regardless, anal sex is unnatural and frankly humiliating to a woman. It is really about dominance and that has no place in a healthy sexual relationship.

My main objection to sex toys (I'm thinking specifically of dildos but this applies to other devices as well) stems from the same reasoning. In this case you have death invading life. It doesn't make sense to insert lifeless, inhuman objects into the warm, living humanity that is a woman's vagina. Like anal sex it focuses on physical stimulation and degrades the covenantal attachment of marital sex. Both anal sex and sex toys make one or both participants of the sex act nothing more than sex objects. This serves to diminish rather than enhance the sexual relationship.

Sexual "after play" is a very important part of the sexual experience that is too often neglected. It's kind of a joke and in fact I've even seen it as part of a standup comic's routine but the man who reaches orgasm and then rolls over to go to sleep is telling his spouse he doesn't really value her as a human being. He got what he wanted: sex. And if that's all he wanted he may as well have masturbated.

I suggest that after both of you have achieved orgasm you should remain close together, holding one another, kissing and whispering expressions of affection to each other. For instance (depending upon the position you were in while making love) the man might be behind his wife. He should then embrace her, nuzzling her neck and fondling her breasts according to the indicators she gives him. The bottom line is, quality after play can really help cement those feelings of love. The hormones released during sexual intercourse that produce feelings of connectedness need to be "massaged" into a person's being and it is during the after play that this happens. It is no wonder so many people find sex an empty experience. Yes, it satisfies certain physical needs but far too many people (especially the unmarried swinger types), come away from the sex act feeling a sense of emotional depletion rather than satisfaction. The quality time a man and wife spend after sexual climax is one of the things that sets their relationship apart from the uncommitted masses who are simply looking to satisfy a sexual urge.

This book is all about good sex and if you have neglected after play in the past, this one tip alone will go a long way toward improving your sex life. You see, good quality after play really depends upon your attitude. Most men will find it difficult to maintain interest once they have achieved orgasm. They really do want to roll over and go to sleep. But if you love your partner you will do what most benefits her rather than think of yourself first. Moreover, as after play becomes a habitual part of your love making you will begin to notice that it is emotionally satisfying to you as well.

By the way, although I have placed this chapter in the setting of a date night, everything I've talked about from the point of entering the bedroom to the after play should be part of your day-to-day lovemaking.

The last thing I want to talk about is frequency. I can say I've had sex with my wife more than 5000 times in the last thirty four years because I'm fairly certain we have had sex on the average of three times a week throughout that entire time. I know there have been some weeks when we have only managed to get together once but there have been plenty of times when we have had sex every day of the week - sometimes multiple times in a day. I don't say this to present myself as some sort of sex god but to emphasize the importance of frequent sex. Married couples need to cultivate this aspect of the relationship because it serves as a cement to their marital bond. Furthermore, it serves as a soothing balm to their relationship. No, you shouldn't use sex to deal with disagreements but once those disagreements have been settled your sex life is one of the things given to you to help restore right relationship.

A Man's Guide To Great Sex Starting Today

Chapter One: The Foundation Of Good Sex
Chapter Two: Physical Health Is Sexual Health
Chapter Three: Mental Health Is Sexual Health
Chapter Four: The Act Of Making Love
Chapter Five: Keeping It Real Fresh And Satisfying
Closing Thoughts

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