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Peanut Butter: The Elixir Of Life

Recent polls reveal that there are four things most Americans hold dear; life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness and access to a good peanut butter. Although there is a plethora of brands available, there are really only two categories to chose from; peanut butter with sugar listed as the first ingredient on the jar, or peanut butter that comes with its own oil slick. The sugar stuff comes ready to eat - and that's a plus. However, I tend to shy away from food products that produce side effects like rotten teeth, blurred vision, dizziness and hair loss. Sometimes health concerns simply must take precedent over convenience.

That being the case, we consume that highly popular brand known as "Valdez All Natural Peanut Butter" in the large size plastic jar. There are drawbacks to going the natural route. Often times, upon first penetrating the bio-hazard shield found under the lid, I see endangered water fowl struggling to free themselves from the slime and I have to go through the messy procedure of disposing of the creatures. No sense getting the EPA involved though; too much red tape. (Hint: storing the jar of peanut butter upside down will merely shift the problem to the bottom and will in no way help to save the whales.)

It's not unusual to snap the handle on a common garden shovel when attempting to mix the tar pit at the top of the container into the potters clay at the bottom of the jar. The blending of oil and clay may be expedited by using a butter knife to cut the stuff at the bottom into tiny squares. Even if this does nothing to ease the mixing process, it will keep your mind occupied while the oil runs down the side of the jar and onto the kitchen counter.

Now, we're a poor family and I'm not one to waste things so I've come up with a way to use the excess peanut excrement that ends up outside the jar. I've pointed out to my daughters the fact that peanut oil is just like the expensive hair conditioner you buy at the store - except that it smells better. And it really does work. Try it yourself; I guarantee that you'll be able to neatly and easily pass a comb through your peanut oil treated hair - as long as you don't use a "chunky style" product.

To top it all off, I now find that strong arms and shiny hair are not the only benefits one may reap by ingesting natural style peanut butter. It seems that peanut butter contains an anti-cancer agent called beta-sitosterolm - some kind of chemical that does all sorts aggressive things against cancer cells. When I found this out the old gears started turning and I think I came up with a veritable gold mine of an idea.

I've decided to start a company that manufactures and markets natural peanut butter cigarettes! Really, it's a no lose situation. Just think, a product you can smoke to fight cancer, eat for a healthy snack or use to give your hair body and shine!

All I need now is the financial backing...

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