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The Magnum Blaster's White Glare

Every Independence Day, my family and I enjoy a spectacular display of explosive fire and smoke to kick off the holiday. Then, vowing to never use the barbeque (made in Taiwan), again we gather together for a flag (made in Mexico), raising ceremony, at which time we attempt to sing the national anthem. However, no normal American is capable of the range required by the national anthem and so we typically wind up with a rousing chorus of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" in order to provide that sense of well being which is so important during the holidays.

Later, just after the sun has set, we pull out the fireworks (made in China), and risk life and limb to re-enact the events that inspired the writing of the afore mentioned national anthem. In our grand finale, one of us will read the Declaration of Independence (printed in Italy), by the light of a "magnum blaster" while the rest of us do jumping jacks with sparklers in our hands and tucked under our shoe laces. (One year my oldest son attempted to juggle a trio of "buzz bombs" as well but lost control of one of the little buggers and set fire to the neighbor's hedge row. Ho, ho - well, no more of that.)

Ah the memories! It's not uncommon to hear the children reminisce about fourth of July extravaganzas of years gone by ("Remember the time Dad was fined for discharging a firearm in the city limits and shooting the power transformer? Wow! Talk about sparks! Or how about the time Dad caught his beard on fire..."). I dare say that in all these things we are really no different than the average American family.

Speaking of the average American, I heard that 80% of us are not letting the threat of terrorist actions alter our Independence Day celebrations. Well, good for us! At the same time it seems to me that there is an obvious connection between the fireworks we buy (made in China), and the supplying of terrorist organizations by the communist Chinese government. Just the other day I intercepted a suspicious communication on my cell phone which went like this: "Solly, we no have home derively." Now, according to my well placed sources that really means: "It is time to add the befuddling powder (made in Bangladesh), to the fireworks (made in China), sold to the big fat Americans so that when they celebrate their nation's birth everyone within a 1000 yard radius of the fireworks will become fuddled and act drunk. At which time our terrorist pals can waltz right in and do terrorist stuff with all the snazzy weapons (made in China with heisted American technology), we sold them." But - ha, ha - little do they know that the average American is already drunk by the time the fireworks get underway, so big deal.

So, my fellow Americans, enjoy the holiday. And if any rotten terrorist does try something, I know just the thing we should do when we catch him. In order to break his resistance to questioning we'll make him hit all the high notes in the Star Spangled Banner.

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