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Chocolate: An Epic Tale

For Medicinal Purposes Only
My wife had sweetly let me know
I was getting kinda wide.
Her arms came up short -she said -
when reaching side to side.

She proposed I lay off candy,
chocolate to be exact.
But I said she must be crazy
since the stuff stopped heart attacks
and things like strokes and senility
and the common cold as well.
Why, if I were to quit eating chocolate
my life'd be living hell.

"It seems that you're addicted"
her eyes were keen and sharp.
"I see that you been buffaloed
by chocolate plain or dark
and the kind with nuts and raisins
or rice krispies in there too.
You're probably right, sweetie pie,
there's nothing you can do."

She'd made her point, I knew she had
and I felt a little glum.
I didn't want to be seen as weak
in the eyes of sugar plum,
so I up and said without much thought,
"I'm off chocolate as of now
and as for me there's no looking back
once my hand has grasped the plow.
I'll just substitute, that's what I'll do,
drink beer, eat chips, instead.
And I'll keep it up without a stop
till the chocolate craving's dead."

Her smile was tense, her demeanor stern
and I'd guessed I'd spoken wrong.
So I tried again to put things right
to show that I was strong
enough to quit the chocolate thing
without another crutch.
So with gritted teeth and sweaty palms
I told my honey bunch
that I was done - I really was,
and I was starting right today.
And then I quit my rambling screed -
I'd nothing left to say.

Well the days crawled by
and the nights were long
each minute spanned a life.
I wondered if my God above
had given me a wife,
to make me stick to promises
even little ones for sure.
Or was there a loop hole there
that allowed me to stay pure?

I imagined this while on the job
my mind would not obey.
Instead of boards and lumber
my thoughts went just one way
toward chocolate smooth and creamy
with almonds and caramel too.
I knew I was going crazy,
my options, less than few.

I'd ate my lunch before first break
to still the chocolate yearning
but it didn't work, so help me Pete,
my belly kept on churning
like a wounded bear or a hornets nest -
I was up against a wall.
If I didn't do something fast I knew
that I'd break down and bawl.

Then I recalled what the Bible said
'bout God and things He'd do
when testing toilers on this earth
the trials He'd put us through
would always have a way of escape
a route to give us calm.
For me that was a cocoa street
a sweet and savory balm.

My wife need not ever know -
it was between God and me.
'Sides it's just this once I required help
on the path to be set free
from chocolate - that evil thing
it was a demon's brew.
(I'd head on down to the store
on lunch break - that's what I'd do.)

The break it came none to soon
and I dashed out to my car.
Speed - it was of essence
though I needn't travel far-
ther than a ten minute drive
that's 'bout all it should'a took.
I'd be back in plenty of time -
which was my first mistook.

I arrived in a cloud of dust,
crashed on through the door.
I was a bit put-out to see
one checker - with buyers three or four
deep waiting in a line so long
I knew I'd need to hurry
or get back late and have to face
the supervisor's fury.

I am afraid I was some impolite -
I pressed up to the till
and dumped out fifteen chocolate bars
and pushed aside the bill
of the patron just ahead of me
his bag - it overturned.
I pretended not to notice
though my cheeks began to burn.

The checker, she scooped up the mess
and tried to set things right,
I tossed my money toward her way
and raced out in the night
so cold and bitter - but warmer now
that chocolate was in store
(I hope that you're still with me
and this story ain't a bore).

When I got back, work had begun
I was just a little late
even though I hadn't checked my bag
(I'd ignored the chocolate bait).
To prove to me and to God
that chocolate was not a sin
I fired up my machine
and got to work - before digging in.

I picked up the bag, held it tight
and gave it one quick shake.
The weight it held made me smile
and I sighed as I fixed to take
a bite of chocolate rich and smooth
a bit of heaven here on earth.
At that point a promise seemed so dull
and who cares 'bout a swelling girth?

There is a land where chocolate's free
like dew drops on the grass.
But for me God had other plans
when He kicked me in the pants.
'Cause when I opened up the sack
with my mouth all watery
it wasn't candy bars I saw...

but cigarettes and soda, staring back at me...

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