D. Eric Williams Online

Sanitary Seat Cover Politics
Copyright © 2008 D. Eric Williams


A Leading Economic Indicator
There has been an ongoing hue and cry about the climb in gas prices this year, but it is surprising to me that there has not been more murmuring about the price increase in other retail items. I'm sure you have experienced it. Every week it seems that the price has gone up on, milk, butter, dog food - and sanitary seat covers. You know, those things that you cover public toilets with so you won't catch some dread disease.

The seat covers are made from thin tissue paper and they normally hang on the wall next to the throne in a special dispenser. On the box it says "first lift up then pull down." You know the things I'm talking about? Well it seems that those sanitary seat covers are a lot more flimsy than they used to be. That's right, increase the price by diminishing the product. It's like selling two pounds of potatoes for the same price that three pounds sold for last week. And frankly this sort of thing is far more serious than four dollar a gallon gasoline.

You see, I'm told - not that I have any personal experience in this - but I'm told that the new flimsy sanitary seat covers have a tendency to drift off the toilet seat for no freaking reason at all. No only that, they're hard to detect if they get hung up in your pants and then drag along behind you like a flimsy tissue paper tail. I'm told that they are so stinking flimsy that you wouldn't even notice them while you're tucking in your shirt. I realize that's hard to believe, but I know from personal, uh, personal observation that it is probably true.

Now let me tell you something; I, uh, I saw this sort of thing happen the other day. I - this guy, came out of the rest room and apparently - I'm just guessing here - he got the sanitary seat cover caught in the waistband of his pants. And like I said, I'm told, that those things are so flimsy and poorly made now-a-days that a person wouldn't even notice that it was there. Anyway, this guy, he comes out of the restroom and goes about my, goes about his business never knowing that the stupid sanitary seat cover is there. Why the flip didn't somebody tell him? I mean, I would have, except, that, he, he doesn't work in my part of the building much. I happened to see this going on from a distance. Anyway, it seems clear to me that our country is suffering from a terrible economic downturn and a real lack of empathy - and I'm convinced that the two are related.

Anyhow, you can imagine the ridicule. I, uh, I'm sure that the poor guy didn't even know why people where making fun of him all day. I suppose that he discovered the damn sanitary seat cover when he got into his car to drive home and then, there it was, sticking out from between his legs like some freaking stupid tissue tail! Damn you, you subtle indicator of tough economic times and cultural decline - damn you!

Frankly I feel for the guy, but more than that I'm sickened by the apparent lack of concern shown by the major party presidential candidates. I mean, crap, do you really believe that Barack Obama would even think twice about sponsoring a bill designed to restore the quality of sanitary seat coves if he discovered one hanging between his legs after a major campaign speech? Hell no! And what about John McCain: don't you believe for one minute that he would fail to raise taxes if he found a sanitary seat cover bunched up in the bottom of his shorts at the end of a long day on the campaign trail. Heck yea, he would immediately call a press conference to announce a major tax increase designed to skim windfall profits from the makers of sanitary seat covers.

I for one want a candidate who cares about the little guy and his struggle to live a dignified life. I want a candidate who has felt my, well the guy with the seat cover in his pants - felt his pain. And frankly until one of the major party candidates shows in some form or fashion that he understands what it is like to be the butt of a joke, well, then he just isn't going to get my vote!





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