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© 2003 By D. Eric Williams

In an attempt to bolster his sagging popularity U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan announced last Sunday his efforts to re-unite the island of Cyprus after a thirty year separation. "It's, like, you know, a really #%*@!&# little place and so I #%*@!&# figured that if I, like, #%*@!&# trash the whole #%*@!&# thing, or whatever, no one will, #%*@!&# like, #%*@!&# really #%*@!&# care" said Annan through his "Career Paths Within The United Nations For Disadvantaged Inner City Youth of East Side Boston Massachusetts" interpreter.

Cyprus was divided in half when Turkish soldiers invaded the northern portion of the Mediterranean island looking for really cheap beach front property. Turkish Prime Minister Recep Tayyip Erdogan admitted Monday that "the excuse of protecting the Turkish minority from Greek radicals seeking to join with Greece was merely a convenience - we're willing to back away as long as we have assurances that our time share contracts will be honored." The breakaway Turkish Cypriot state in the north is recognized only by Turkey, which maintains 40,000 troops there, employed primarily as waitstaff and lifeguards.

Despite his aversion to eastern Mediterranean hygienic customs, Secretary of State Colin Powell offered on Tuesday to help Annan get the parties talking again "as long as that little Turkish guy - what do yah call it? - Prepacked Flippin' Ergonomic - promises to apply deodorant before any meetings." When pressed for a response to Powell's comments, Recep Tayyip Erdogan, without the benefit of an interpreter, admitted Wednesday that he too had lost "several thousands along with three prime weeks in December" betting on the Carolina Panthers.

Cyprus' plan to join the European Union in May depends upon "established, credible, malleable leadership" said French diplomat Francios Robespierre LaMourette and a campaign has begun to draft Senator John Kerry as unified Cyprus' prime minister. Says Turkish Cypriot leader Rauf Denktash, "This would settle once and for all the questions concerning John Kerry's parentage, er, heritage - Comrade Kerry has the look of a Cypriot - you know, two thirds of ones' head being a chin." Denktash added, "if he's not interested our second choice is Jay Leno." When reporters confronted Kerry on the campaign trail near the east side inner city of Boston Massachusetts as he boarded a plane for the Mediterranean, with the reports that he was considering a run at the Cypriot Prime Minister-ship, Kerry replied, "Never even heard of it, what's that? Never heard of it." However, Chuck "Chuckie" Capoletti, International Campaign Deal-mister for Kerry's election effort latter stated "off the record" that "Big John wouldn't even consider sumthin like that - 'less we could swing a sweet deal like we got with the Vietnamese - you ain't gonna print this are yuh?"

Meanwhile, White House spokesman Scott McClellan said, "We believe reunification - with Big John at the helm or not - will bring greater security and prosperity to all people on Cyprus and Turkey and in Greece and turn up a few thousand weapons of mass destruction to boot." Another "highly placed Administration official" speaking under the condition of anonymity , explained that "...really though, we're concerned that the reunification of Cyprus will disrupt our plans to convert the national debt to Leptas. If a conversion is accomplished it will wipe out the deficit literally overnight since there is no Cypriot word for kazilion. This of course would allow us to continue spending up the ying-yang - party distinctions, public opinion and other trivial things notwithstanding." When asked how a conversion of the national debt would help senior citizens, the Highly Placed Official stated that "pharmaceuticals are a dime a dozen over there so we thought it would be a good idea to set up a Medicare cruise line with a Cyprus destination - you know how seniors like cruises and shopping. It seems a natural."

When asked for a reaction to the Highly Placed Official's comments, Recep Tayyip Erdogan denied any efforts to sell Mediterranean beach front condo time shares to elderly American citizens. "Really, it's out of the question" he replied. "I've already been forced to anti-up three prime weeks in November to aid disadvantaged inner city youth of east side Boston Massachusetts."





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