Environmentally Friendly Logging
© 02.24.2016 By D. Eric Williams
In a long anticipated move President Obama signed an executive order today designed make the logging industry more environmentally friendly.
"I, uh, uh, experienced a major setback ...when the, uh, supreme court blocked my effort to, uh, uh, combat global warming by regulating emissions from coal-fired power plants" the president said in his remarks at the signing of this his latest Executive Order. "I believe that this will, uh, bring the logging industry, uh, uh, in step with how I think the world should work. Not only that, uh, it will provide much-needed employment for beavers who ...are ...sadly, underrepresented, uh in the uh, timber industry."
When question concerning his data on the employment of beavers in the timber industry or any other commercial endeavor, the president elaborated by noting, "beavers like to chew on wood, uh, and, uh, it has long been my belief, that, uh, that each of us should do that one thing we are made to do." The president refused to take further questions but also pointed out, "some species of birds …also ...eat or otherwise peck on wood. And don't forget; how much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood? I made sure all that is in the memorandum as well."
Reaction was immediate from the timber industry. Biff Cornwall, president of American Axe Men issued a statement on behalf of "loggers everywhere." "We don't need no danged beavers crowding out jobs for hard-working Americans. I mean, I know, beavers are Americans too – unless they're from Canada or whatever, but I think, well, I think you know what I think.
At press time this news agency was unable to locate a beaver for comment.