D. Eric Williams Online

Dirty Pants
© 2003 By D. Eric Williams

I took the girls shopping the other day. We went to Walmart, the epicenter of culture and hipness. We saw lots of cool stuff there for kids to wear: Like baggy pants designed to double as an emergency shelter in a pinch - big enough to comfortably house 10 to 12 people. Baggy pants are normally worn by boys - and as we all know boys are okay with dressing from the homeless shelter discard bin. That would explain why the gansta/hobo baggies sell like hot cakes.

What caught my attention, however, were the dirty pants. The worn look has been popular for some time - which I've always thought was dumb: why spend good money on pants that look like used up hand-me-downs from your older sibling when you could get the same thing for free from your older sibling if you just wait a while? But these days they have pants that are already dirty. At first I thought that was even dumber then the worn out look. Then I got to thinking. Maybe buying dirty pants isn't so stupid after all.

For instance, you don't need to wash them. Indeed, you become more fashionable over time by neglecting to wash them. If you have a big date coming up, you can go out and roll around in the barn yard to get ready. Then when your date compliments you on your cool pants, you can modestly say that you made them yourself - sort of. Later, if things go sour with that particular squeeze, you can avoid an embarrassing confluence by simply throwing yourself onto the nearest patch of dirt when you see him coming your way. You'll blend right in and the other person will walk on by.

Since dirty pants don't need to be washed they save our precious water and help protect that scarce resource from phosphate contamination. Dirty pants may also encourage kids to further conserve water by relinquishing regular ablutions. The combination of unwashed pants and body will provide safe habitat for myriads of endangered bio-organisms. And we all know that even the smallest amoeba is of infinite value in our precariously balanced ecosystem. Besides, haven't you ever read Horton Hears A Who? Come on - all that frequent bathing may be washing away millions of intelligent souls capable of providing solutions to the problems of our outsized world: like, how to get that last bit of chapstick out of the little thingy without sticking your finger in it.

Some of the larger sized dirty pants can be sown with vital rain forest cover. As the dirty pants rain forest begins to mature, native fauna may be established - groovy stuff like howler monkeys and anacondas. There isn't any reason to limit the kids to dirty pants rain forests: pampa grasslands, alpine tundra, wetlands- the list is endless. And what with a zillion different species dying out every day due to loss of habitat, dirty pants may be the veritable savior of the world.

So, upon reflection, I pulled a couple pairs of dirty pants off the shelf and offered to buy them for my girls. To my disconcertion, they refused.

"Gross! It looks like they're covered with cow crap!"

Shaken, I placed the dirty pants back on the shelf with a trembling hand. I let my fingers trail across the grubby creases that furrowed the dirty pants as visions of nirvana faded from my mind. The world's deliverance would have to wait for a more enlightened generation.





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